Choosing Godparents or Special Adults

Introduction
Type of ceremony - how many and who is suitable?
Key considerations
Posing the question and why the answer isn't always yes
Reality check and the two way street

In children’s story tales, a fairy godmother makes an appearance just when she’s needed most. With the wave of a wand, she can make everything right. Godparents - also called mentors, special adults or supporting adults in non-religious ceremonies – might not have a magic wand, but their role in your child’s life can have a magical effect.

But choosing godparents – or supporting adults – is not always an easy job. They are meant to be people who provide religious (if required), moral and practical guidance to your child as they grow. They are the type of people who you would, in theory, be happy to have looking after your children if you died (even though being a godparent wouldn’t make them legal guardian of the child).

In an ideal world, a godparent or supporting adult will develop a close relationship with your child so that as they grow, they have an adult who they can turn to when they don’t want to approach mum or dad – or perhaps just want another point of view. They should be able to combine the right mixture of fun and games, with discipline and learning.

No small job then, and not always an easy post to fill. But here are some pointers:

Type of ceremony

Church of England
The CoE suggests you have at least three Godparents – two the same sex as your child and one of the opposite sex. They can be family or friends but they should all be 16 or older and be baptised. Some priests require that they’re also confirmed and practicing Christians. Others are more relaxed. Either way, the Godparents will be asked to make solemn religious promises and they should be comfortable doing this.

Catholic Church
In Catholic baptisms, one Godparent is sufficient but two are allowed. If you have two, you should have one man and one woman and neither is allowed to be the parents of the child. They will need to be 16 or older, be baptised and ideally confirmed, although speak to your priest as some are more relaxed on this point. Non-catholics cannot be Godparents but they can be Christian Witnesses.

Thanksgiving Service
Although this service is held in church, the term Godparents is not used. They are either special adults, supporting adults or sponsors. There is no set number required. During the service, they are simply asked if they will help the family in supporting the child.

Naming Ceremony
As this is a secular ceremony, you can choose who you like and how many people you like to act as supporting adults. Like the Thanksgiving Service, they are not called Godparents, rather special adults, supporting adults, sponsors, mentors or guides. The statements they make during the ceremony are customisable but usually centre on providing guidance and support to the child and its family.

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Key considerations

Once you know the type of ceremony you plan on having and how many Godparents or supporting adults you need, you should also consider the following:

Values and lifestyle
Do they have similar values to your own? Is their lifestyle something you wish your child to aspire to? Just because someone doesn’t have the exact same values or lifestyle as your own, doesn’t mean you should rule them out. It can be good to choose someone with a very different approach to life so that your child gets a broader perspective. But make sure you are still comfortable with the person’s values. They should serve as a moral compass to your child, so they need to be on roughly the same course as you are!

Religion
If religion is important to you, you’ll probably want Godparents who can provide religious guidance to your child to support your own beliefs. Equally don’t choose someone who isn’t a practising Christian if you expect them to provide religious insight. It’s not fair on them and most likely it won’t happen.

Relationships
Examine your relationships with friends and family. You need to choose someone who will stay in touch with your child in the long term, regardless of what may happen in the intervening years. Your and their lives may take different paths, your friendship might change, family dynamics may alter – but you need to choose someone who will keep up their Godparenting duties despite this.

Also examine their relationships. Are they married? Do they have children of their own who they need to devote a lot of time to or are they single with no children of their own? Do they like children? Do they live nearby or far away? By examining who they are and what their responsibilities are, you’ll get a clearer picture as to what they’d be like as a godparent.

Status and wealth
In the past, one of a Godparent’s roles was to be a financial benefactor of sorts, providing a nest egg for the Godchild. In fact the christening gift was usually silver or of great financial value to help set the child up for life. Wealthy Godparents could – and still do – even leave substantial gifts to their Godchildren in their will. Similarly, Godparents may still be chosen for their ability to open doors and make social or work/business connections for the child.

The celebrity Godparent is the modern day equivalent of a wealthy benefactor, with people in the right circles choosing well known businesspeople, actors and singers as Godparents. Elton John is a good example, being Godfather to Sean Lennon, Romeo and Brooklyn Beckham and Damian Hurley.

Commitment to the role
While it’s a great honour to be asked to be a Godparent or supporting adult, it does take a big commitment. In fact it is said that the biggest gift a Godparent can give their Godchild is time. Are the people you’re considering likely to commit to the duties and promises they make? Will they take their role seriously? Will they be interested in your child and be willing to get involved in their life?

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Posing the question – and why the answer isn’t always yes

For most people, being asked to be a Godparent or special adult is an honour. It’s probably best to ask a prospective Godparent whether they’d be willing to take on the role in person and when there’s not too many other people about. If you’re not sure what to say, you could always try:

- We’d be honoured if you’d consider being godparent/a supporting adult to xxx

OR
- As one of our best friends, we’d like you to be godparent to xxx

But the answer isn’t always yes. Try not to be upset by this if it happens - there could be many reasons for them not taking on the role:

They could feel that they are too young or too old
They might have too many other godchildren already and won’t be able to spend the time or effort needed
They might have too many other commitments that prevent them from taking the role seriously
They might not be comfortable with the commitments in the ceremony, particularly if it’s a religious ceremony and they are either not religious or are of a different faith
They may simply not like children very much!

Be thankful that they’re honest enough to say no. It’s better to have someone committed to being a good Godparent than for someone to simply say yes, but not fulfil their role.

Reality check and the two way street

No matter how carefully you choose your Godparents, it’s quite common for Godparents to not perform their duties as well as they or you might like. Busy lives can mean a lack of time. Try not to let an inattentive Godparent ruin your relationship with them. You can help encourage a relationship between them and your child by inviting them over for Sunday lunches or asking them to join you at your child’s football match or nativity play.

And remember that it’s a two way street – not only are they your child’s godparents, your child is their godson or daughter. Until they’re old enough to write their own letters or buy gifts, it’s your job to send the Godparents birthday cards from their Godchildren. The more you help your child build a relationship with their Godparents, the more likely it is that the relationship will blossom.

Finally, it’s completely normal for Godfathers to have absolutely no idea of their godchildren’s names, when their birthdays are or how old they are. The reason your child will get a card every year or a silver gift with the correct spelling of your child’s name engraved on it will most likely be thanks to their wife or partner. So bear that in mind when making your choices!

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